Vulgarities
by lfh
Summary: Swearing, Potions, and weird sexual situations. SnapeNarcissa, LuciusNarcissa, mild LuciusSnape.


Narcissa first met Severus when she walked into the Slytherin boys' lavatory in the beginning of sixth year. Severus was standing idly with his back against the wall, smoking a cigarette and staring off into space. At the sound of the door opening, he turned his head to notice a rather vapid- looking, although pretty, girl from his house walk into the lavatory.  
  
"Are you lost, dearie?" he asked sardonically.  
  
"Sod off," Narcissa replied without giving him so much as a glance.  
  
"Well, that is what little Slytherin boys come here to do," he remarked.  
  
"You aren't," she said, looking him straight in the eyes.  
  
"Would you like me to?" Severus asked dryly.  
  
"No! I'm looking for Lucius!" responded Narcissa hotly.  
  
"Well, unless he's in the third stall from the left, shoving our House mascot up his arse for the full Slytherin experience, there's no conceivable reason for Lucius to be anywhere other than our dormitory trying to get into Miss Patil's green lace panties. Which reminds me: the libido potion I made him is almost done," he said.  
  
"You greasy, dirty-minded prat! Learn some manners!" she shouted.  
  
"Learn not to look for your pansy-arsed boyfriend in a boys' lavatory," Severus replied calmly.  
  
With that, he flicked the butt of his cigarette into the sink and walked out of the bathroom, presumably to the dungeons in order to collect his potion, and then to the dormitories to collect 50 sickles from Lucius and perhaps also a go at Patil.  
  
Narcissa stood in the lavatory for a few minutes, decidedly offended, until an insolent little git named Parkinson exited a stall, washed his hands, and informed her that she was in the wrong bathroom. ~~~  
  
Severus walked towards the sixth-year dormitories holding his completed potion delicately.  
  
"Why do I even bother?!" he said loudly into the nearly empty hallway. "Why do I even bother wasting my talents on bloody aphrodisiacs for some rich prat who can't keep it up?!"  
  
A second-year quietly walking by gave Severus a shocked look, his eyes wide at the profane speech. Severus laughed uncharacteristically loudly, causing the second-year to squeak and run away. Severus smiled cruelly and walked into the Slytherin dorms.  
  
The silver bedsheets complimented Patil's skin rather nicely, Lucius observed as he danced his fingers inside her cunt.  
  
"But where the hell is Severus?!" he thought. Parthivi was responding quite pleasantly to his handiwork, but all this foreplay was boring him.  
  
Severus walked in a few minutes later after a few dozen Alohamora's, still holding the potion gingerly.  
  
"Finally!" Lucius exclaimed, irritated.  
  
"Yes, well, I was a bit held up my that cold-cunt girlfriend of yours," Severus replied.  
  
"Held...up?" Lucius asked, arching an eyebrow suspiciously.  
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter. The only thing open on that girl is her mouth," Severus replied.  
  
"Hmph," Lucius remarked.  
  
"Well, if you have my money, I believe I'll just take it and be off," Severus said.  
  
"Wait," Lucius said. "Don't you want to stay, perhaps? Sit down and have a fuck?"  
  
"Oh, all right. But I get her snatch," Severus replied. Arrangements such as these were common between him and Lucius.  
  
"Bollocks! I got her naked, I get her snatch!" Lucius said.  
  
"But I made the potion, and you'd be entirely fucked without it. Or rather, you wouldn't be fucked in the least," Severus retorted.  
  
"Okay, so why don't you take her snatch, and I get her mouth?" Lucius offered.  
  
"Oh, that's just unwieldy, Lucius. Besides, arse is tighter. Your, ah, lack of stature would appreciate that," Severus replied.  
  
"I have stature, you douche!" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
"Do you mind?" Parthivi said irritably.  
  
"What is it, sweet-arse?" Lucius asked.  
  
"I'm just lying here, waiting for someone to bring me off, and you two prats are just sitting there, arguing over my twat like the last bottle of Butterbeer!" she replied angrily, sitting up.  
  
"So sorry, dear. This will be resolved in a moment," Lucius said.  
  
"The hell it will be," Severus said, taking off his robes and underclothing.  
  
Naked, he tackled Parthivi and pressed her down to the bed. "Bastard!" she whispered with a smile.  
  
Severus began to screw Parvathi with an intense of concentration on his face, almost as though his thoughts were focused on another matter entirely.  
  
"You see now, Lucius," he said in between pants. "That I, ah, do not require a potion to, ah, function."  
  
"Alright, you win," Lucius grumbled.  
  
He took off his remaining clothing and, downing Severus's potion in one shot, jumped onto the bed and pushed Parthivi into a more accommodating position.  
  
"Lubricus," he whispered. "About time you got to her bum," Severus commented, adjusting his position to make himself more comfortable. "Damn, that is nice," Lucius replied.  
  
For several minutes, only heavy breathing and the noise of bedsprings could be heard.  
  
"Can you two feel each other through me?" Parthivi asked.  
  
"Ah, yes," Severus replied.  
  
"It feels very strange," she commented.  
  
"If you don't stop wiggling, we just might poke a hole through you," Lucius teased, pinching her nipples.  
  
Parthivi squeaked and giggled.  
  
"Lucius, how did you ever talk me into this?" she said.  
  
"My charm, dear girl, is devastating," Lucius replied.  
  
Parthivi came shortly thereafter, and Severus and Lucius in a single shared moment, slightly later.  
  
Afterwards, they lay on Lucius's bed, smoking cigarettes and staring at the ceiling. When Severus finished his cigarette, he rose from the bed and began to dress.  
  
"Leaving so soon?" Lucius asked.  
  
"You should know by now that I don't care to stay around for pillow talk," Severus replied.  
  
"Fair enough," Lucius commented.  
  
Severus finished dressing. He smoothed out his dark, jagged-cut hair. "Well, this has been just charming. Lucius, thank you for sharing. Miss Patil, you have lovely tits. I had a wonderful time, but I must be off," he said wryly. With that, he left the room.  
  
Severus walked contentedly to the library for an anticipated rendez-vous with an advanced Potions tome. He felt a great release through Potions and couldn't fathom why anyone would dare loathe it. The subject of Potions, he believed, was like the possession of a Veela mistress: if one had only the balls to approach her and demand of her what you desire, she is good for all sorts of useful things.  
  
Severus strode over to the Potions section only to find Narcissa reading his book. The single most useful book in the entire Hogwarts library was currently being perused ignorantly by a pair of slender, manicured hands that could not possibly comprehend its contents.  
  
"Oh," Narcissa commented, looking up. "You again."  
  
"Yes," Severus replied. "You have my book."  
  
"Your book?" she repeated, arching an eyebrow. "I would never have suspected that this library belonged to you entirely."  
  
"Whether it does or not is of little consequence. You, my dear, simply cannot appreciate that book to the extent that it deserves," he said.  
  
"And why is that?" she asked hotly, rising.  
  
"Because, Narcissa," Severus said, pressing her against the bookshelves. "The quality of a girls brain and the quality of her appearance tend to be inversely proportional."  
  
"Same must go for the size of a bloke's ego and the size of his dick!" she replied.  
  
"Oh, no," he said to her. "The proportionality of those attributes are, in my case, quite," he placed one of her hands between his legs, "direct."  
  
Narcissa jerked her hand up from Severus's crotch and slapped him. "Pig!" she spat, wiggling away from him and stalking out of the library.  
  
"Well, well," he said, retrieving his favorite book. "That went better than I'd expected." He took the ancient tome to a nearby table and spent the remainder of the afternoon studying its contents.  
  
Narcissa meanwhile stormed through her commons room and up to Lucius's dormitory, where he was busy hiding the evidence of Parthivi's visit and recent departure. "Lucius!" she cried.  
  
Lucius turned around to see his girlfriend fuming. "What is it, my darling?" he asked.  
  
"It's that bloody friend of yours, Snape!" she exclaimed.  
  
Lucius embraced Narcissa, more interested in the feel of her tits against his chest that in whatever offense Severus has committed. "What did he do?" he asked.  
  
"I, I was studying for my Potions test in the library, and he came up to me and told me I was too dumb to be studying Potions. And then, and then he shoved my hands between his legs! He's such a horny git, Lucius! I don't know why you hang around him!" she sobbed.  
  
"There, there," Lucius murmured, patting her arse. "I'll talk to Severus about this little matter the next time I see him."  
  
~~~  
  
A few days later, Lucius approached Severus in the showers.  
  
"Narcissa says you molested her in the library last week," Lucius said as he began to lather up his hair.  
  
"I did no such thing," Severus replied immediately.  
  
"She says you shoved her hands between your legs," Lucius said.  
  
"Well, then by that definition, yes. But she started it," Severus responded defensively.  
  
"You're not fucking my girlfriend, are you?" Lucius asked.  
  
"No, tragically, and I doubt her insinuating that I'm poorly endowed is the glorious start of any kind of seduction process," Severus answered dryly.  
  
"Doesn't matter to me whether you are or aren't; I haven't got much emotion invested in Narcissa anyway," Lucius commented. "I only date her to satisfy my parents."  
  
"You wouldn't date her otherwise?" Severus asked. "She's got a great arse, among other physical qualities."  
  
"Oh, I don't deny that. She's attractive, charming in polite company, and from a good family. Her only flaws, really, are that she can be a bit of a bitch in private, and she rarely, if ever, lets me, ah, enjoy those physical qualities you so praise," Lucius replied.  
  
Severus looked thoughtful. "Something tells me the latter drawback can be overcome," he said.  
  
Lucius shrugged, rinsed his hair a final time, and put on a bathrobe.  
  
"By the way, why didn't you use the prefects' bath just now?" Severus asked.  
  
"Because I'm not a prefect," Lucius replied simply.  
  
"Obviously, but you ordinarily go there anyway," Severus said. "Why on Earth would you want to wash your hair in this public shithole?"  
  
"Because I wanted to talk to you about Narcissa," Lucius answered. Severus nodded slowly. "Besides, it gave me a chance to look at your arse."  
  
Lucius smacked said arse and walked out of the showers with a satisfied smirk. Severus rolled his eyes, dressed, and rushed to double Transfiguration with the Gryffindors. 


End file.
